


kalopsia

by zeta_leonis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Crying, Flashbacks, Ice Skating, Kinda, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Smoking, So much angst, Suga is above the age of consent, Volleyball, age gap, based on 13 Reasons Why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 16:06:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9499490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeta_leonis/pseuds/zeta_leonis
Summary: (n.)the delusion that things are more beautiful than they actually are.Suga deals with cigarette smoke being the scent he likes most on Ukai.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so there's going to be two parts, and it's the longest fic I've written in one go (kinda). I've been working on this since the summer of 2016, and though it doesn't seem like much progress, it's taken me soooo long. I have done my research, I promise, but it's not shown here. (There's more angst in the second part).  
> I'll leave you to it then, I hope you enjoy my work, and I'll see you in the next part.

 Suga wakes up with a gasp, shivering, drenched in cold sweat. His mind is hazy, his head is spinning, and his heart is beating at a thousand beats per hour, drumming hard against his ribs in his chest. He puts a hand over his heart and breathes deeply. He feels the bed next to him. Empty.

He doesn't even bother trying to sleep. He swings his legs over the bed, and without looking at the clock, knows it's one am. He's been waking up at the same hour every day for the past month.

His silvery hair gleams in the moonlight streaming in from the floor-to-ceiling windows opposite his bed, the curtains pulled back so the room is never dark. Even though he's stark naked, he presses his hands and nose to the cool glass and stares out onto the lit up city. He would wrap something around himself - a towel, a blanket, his shirt - but he can't bother.

He envies the people on the streets, the way they move and talk and laugh, how unknowing they are of the short time they have, how life is slipping between their fingers like silk. He envies their clean faces, their new clothes, the will they have to leave the house, to live decently, the same will he's lost. He turns, and gets back into bed. He won't rest, waiting out the nightmares, keeping them at bay by not sleeping. His hands reach backwards, and find the part of the pillow that's wet from tears. He takes it and flings it across the room, slamming it against the wall. It doesn't make a sound as it hits the wall, or as it falls to the floor, so Suga isn't satisfied, but he can't be bothered to get out of bed and punch the wall. So he doesn't. He lies completely flat, not wanting to reach for the pillow beside him, because he washed it, and instead of smelling like smoke and cheap shampoo it smells of detergent and softener and _that stupid white cleaning powder_ **_he_ ** _liked putting his hands in -_

He hates it.

He turns over in bed, stares at the empty side of it. Turns over again. Stares at the windows. Turns over again. Stares at the ceiling. He's so tired he can't sleep, so he looks at the ceiling with unfocused, red, burning eyes. His face is dirty, and his cheeks have tear marks on them. Under his nose, dried snot is pooling. His lips are chapped and peeling, and they bleed every now and then. His hair's a mess, and he'll begin developing a five o'clock shadow in the near future. Doesn't matter. Nothing seems to matter anymore, not really.

He closes his eyes, relieving them, and tries imagining the body beside him. Tries imagining the dyed blonde hair and brown eyes, the lean, strong arms and warm chest that rises and falls with his. Tries imagining the strong, calloused hands that wrapped around him every night.

All he sees is a white, lifeless corpse.

He jolts awake, opens his eyes once more, and this time, refuses to close them.

He rolls over and reaches his hand to the drawer on his bedside table, and pulls it open, and without looking, he takes out the only content of it, a small velvet box. He opens it, and takes out the small ring. It's exactly his size. It's made of silver, and cold to the touch. To most people. To Suga, as soon as he touches it, it burns, sending fire and searing heat through his skin and bones. He holds onto it, grips it so tight his hand hurts and the ring leaves a mark. He holds it tighter.

When he lets the ring go, he slips it on, slowly, gently, like the first time it was placed on his finger. He rolls over again, and opens the drawer under the first one. He feels around, and then takes out the picture. It's still framed, though the glass is broken from when he threw it on the floor. He's happy in that picture, smiling down at the one person he loved the most in the world, his legs wrapped around their waist. He feels simultaneously like smiling and vomiting. He does neither. He then picks up a photo album, and opens it, looking at the pictures in the moonlight. He's about to cry.

Suga feels the pang in his chest, the tightening of his stomach, the arrow that pierces his heart over and over and over. He can't begin to describe the pain that he feels - the thousands of steel hooks wrapping around each individual thread of muscle and pulling, tearing him apart limb from limb, muscle from muscle, atom from atom, until he is no more.

He gets out of bed almost robotically, opening his closet, pulling clothes out without even thinking about it. He pulls them out from the left side specifically, because the right contains _his_ clothes and they smell like _him_ . He dresses, goes to the bathroom, and washes his face for the first time in weeks. He puts on the cheapest cologne he's got, and combs his hair somewhat. The album has driven him to get up, the memories it contains spilling over him and pulling at his arms, at his legs, telling him to _move._

He puts the album into his bag and slings it over his shoulder. He doesn't speak, barely breathes, just keeps going before he thinks too much about what he's doing and stops. He takes his keys from where they have lied unmoved for the last month. A bottle of water. The sandwich Daichi leaves every day on the kitchen countertop he ends up eating himself because Suga can't drive himself to eat. His wallet. He leaves.

The train is pretty much empty except for a woman that's reading, and a few drunk teenagers. The book seems to burn his shoulder, burn though the bag and clothes and scorch him, his hands itching to take it out, but he can't, he doesn't. He must wait. He fidgets with his hands and plays with his shirt, suddenly remembering he didn't bring a jacket. It doesn't matter. He's had worse, he feels colder inside.

He arrives at his stop, and gets out. He doesn't smile at the woman that smiles at him. He feels like he's forgotten how to smile. Suga walks this familiar path, the battered streets and the closed convenience store he can't look at. The streetlights offer poor illumination, but he doesn't need it. He could walk here with his eyes closed, backwards. He arrives at the gates, and sits outside them. The dirt outside puffs up as he lets himself fall, finally pulling the bag into his lap, discarding it to the side as he takes out the album. He opens it, and looks at the first picture. It's the whole team, and Suga feels his heart lurch. It's painful. He closes his eyes, leans his head against the wall.

Remembers.

 

\--

 

**SEPTEMBER, 5 YEARS AGO**

 

_He runs, tripping over his feet as he goes. He's late for practice. As soon as he steps off the bus, he's off, feet moving faster than he can think, hair and bag and jacket flying behind him as he runs. He bumps into a guy walking down the street - mumbles a small 'Sorry,' - and keeps going. He turns on streets he knows too well, feet skidding on the pavement, gravel crunching beneath him as he runs past the school gates and heads for the gym. His lungs are tired, heaving - he's been running non-stop for the past fifteen minutes at top speed - but he doesn't cave in, just keeps running. He knows his face is as red as a tomato, and his hair is plastered to his forehead because of the sweat, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't stop until he gets there. He swings open the door of the gym, and jumps in, shoes squeaking against the polished gym floor._

_"Suga!" Hinata shouts as soon as he lays eyes on him, running over to greet him._

_Kageyama yells after him as the volleyball falls onto the floor. "Hinata, you dumbass! You had to spike that one!"_

_They're undoubtedly taller, and very different from when Suga met them three years ago. Kageyama wears glasses now, and Hinata got his ears pierced. They've grown both physically and mentally, no longer the little kids Suga met so long ago. Though some things never change._

_"I'm sorry I interrupted your match." Suga apologises, offering a small smile._

_Hinata laughs it off, insisting that they weren't in the middle of anything (they clearly were, but Suga isn't going to say anything) and lets Kageyama slap him on the back._

_"Sugawara-senpai!" Yamaguchi calls, his hair falling slightly out of the bun it's in. He's also grown taller, and more fit. He's a lot better at volleyball - so much so, he's even a regular now. He's also the captain of the team, appointed by Ennoshita last year before he left._

_"You don't need to call me 'senpai' anymore, Yamaguchi." Suga says. "You're a third year already."_

_"Sorry, Suga." Yamaguchi puts his hands behind his back. "Old habits die hard, y'know?"_

_Suga nods._

_Tsukishima comes up behind him, and he's also changed a lot. His hair is now longer, and he started wearing contacts some time this year. He wears glasses for practice though, and sports glasses for official games. His attitude hasn't changed a bit since he was a first year, though._

_"Hey." he says, and nods curtly. Suga nods back._

_The second years are already somewhat acquainted with Suga, since the college boy started visiting since he started college last year, so they know him already. They greet him too, not as familiar with him as the third-years, but still friendly with him._

_It is his first visit since school started again though, so the first years are intimidated by this tall stranger appearing out of nowhere, a friend of their seniors. They huddle into a group and look terrified, not only by his age and height, but also by the fact that he goes to college. Nevertheless, Hinata beckons them over with a big smile, and introduces them to him one by one. He smiles and shakes their hands kindly, fondly, feeling a lot older all of the sudden. He turned nineteen last June._

_Then Yachi goes up to greet him, hugging him and smiling brightly. The first years gasp at their shy, anxious manager suddenly hugging someone, and the blonde blushes, but Suga squeezes her shoulder to make sure she keeps calm. He then notices something - Yachi has brought his teacher and the Coach along._

_"Takeda-sensei! It's been so long." Suga speaks formally, shaking his hand as well. The shorter man laughs, greeting him kindly._

_"It has! You should come by more often this year."_

_"Ah yes, well -" Suga scratches the back of his head, "- this year is a lot harder. The photography major is taking its toll on me. I'll try to make some time though, and I'll try to get Daichi and Asahi to come as well. Noya has told me he's swinging by next week, though."_

_"That's good news! Just make sure your studies come first." Takeda replies, ever the teacher._

_Suga's eyes then flick up to the coach. He looks more fit, since he's been playing volleyball more, perfecting his own technique. Suga didn't see him much last year, since the days he went coincided mostly with his days off. But now that he's seeing him, something inside him clicks. Coach Ukai was his high school crush, something he thought to be stupid and never acted upon, for obvious reasons. While most people thought he was going out with Daichi, he wasn't. He spent his time sending his Coach fleeting glances and keeping his feelings inside. Now that he saw him properly though, after summer, the butterfly in his stomach awoke again, like a dormant volcano suddenly sending out smoke. The smoke rises up through his throat and into his vocal chords, rendering him somewhat speechless._

_"Suga! Long time, no see! How are you?" the blonde asks, pulling Suga out of his thoughts, making him straighten his back._

_"I'm doing well, thank you." he replies curtly._

Keep it together man, keep it together, _he thinks, smiling nervously._ It's a highschool crush, nothing more, you're over it, remember? _he reprimands himself._

_"Are you still playing volleyball?" Ukai asks again._

_"Not anymore. I was in the college team last year, but work piled up, so I had to drop out." Suga explains, feeling flustered for no reason._ This is stupid _. He pushes his thoughts and old feelings into the farthest corner of his mind and leaves them there._

_Ukai's face falls a bit. "I'm sorry, it's such a pity you don't play anymore. You were one of our best." Ukai says, and then the first years look up at their coach. One of them, a small boy with glasses who looks strikingly like Tsukishima back when he was his age, timidly asks Suga a question._

_"Really? Can you tell us about it?"_

_Suga blushes at the praise, and shakes his head. "It's not much, really, I wasn't that good -"_

_"Don't say that Suga! You were so good!" Hinata exclaims, and all three of the first years turn to their senpai._

_"Tell us, Hinata-senpai!"_

_Hinata is very much like Nishinoya and Tanaka in that sense, and his shoulders broaden and he puffs his chest out when the first years call him 'senpai'. He likes the feeling of being adored, and the first years know they'll get Hinata to do anything if they call him by the honorary._

_"Well, you see, when I was a first year, he was the best setter in Karasuno, even better than Bakageyama -"_

_"Dumbass."_

_"He'd set the ball like_ fwoosh! _and Asahi-san would spike it like_ bam! _and..." he trails off into defining a series of moves with sounds, and into recalling some memorable occasions with the help of the other third years and a confused Ukai._

_"Really, it's not that big of a deal -" Suga starts, getting red again._

_"Don't be modest, Sugawara-senpai - Suga." Yamaguchi laughs._

_Suga lets himself be adored by first-years for today._

_"Sugawara-san, let's take a picture together, with the whole team. Y'know, to celebrate the start of the year." Takeda suggests, and Suga agrees. They put his phone on a pile of books they got from the student's bags, and then rush to one end of the gym, all smiling for the picture._

_When he leaves, he notices Ukai smiling at him as he waves, and the thoughts he'd repressed came back to his mind once more._

 

\--

 

He passes the page, keeps the picture. The next one is of a lake, and people skating on it. Suga is holding Ukai's hands as they try not to fall, and Hinata's in the foreground, smiling and making a peace sign.

He stands up, and runs to the bus station. The night bus passes every half an hour, but he's right on time. The bus pauses. There's nobody on it. After scanning the ticket, the bus driver turns to him. "You okay?"

He nods, trying to smile but failing. "Yeah." His lips are stiff, stuck in a thin line. It's not convincing, but it's all he's got. The driver doesn't ask further.

When he gets off at his stop, he walks slowly. He wants to hurry, get this night, this album, over with. He can't. He puts his hands in his pockets, looks up at the sky, looks down at his feet, glances to the sides. He can't choose where to look, so he looks forward. The sky is clear tonight, and it's so cold Suga can feel the goosebumps on his skin forming, he can feel the wind slicing at him inside, wrapping around him like a blanket. Ironically. His body shivers but his jaw is locked, his teeth don't clatter.

When he gets to the frozen lake, he jumps up on the rails surrounding it. He swings his legs over it, sits comfortably. Suga pulls out the book, opens it on the same page as before. Removes the picture.

The picture shakes in his hands. His hands are shaking. His whole body is shaking. It's not the cold. He closes his eyes, and wills himself to remember.

Or to forget.

It's all the same, nowadays.

 

\--

 

**DECEMBER, 5 YEARS AGO**

 

_"Chance ball!" Suga yells as the ball goes into the air. Kageyama tosses, Hinata spikes - the freak duo with the freak quick. It's hard, it's fast, and it's unforgiving. The ball slams into the opposite team's court, and ricochets off the floor, hitting the wall. The referee blows his whistle. Karasuno jumps and screams in excitement._

_"It's a match point!" Suga exclaims, and Daichi and Asahi nod in agreement, eyes on the court. It's an official match between Karasuno and Aoba Josai, and they've been invited, alongside Oikawa and Iwaizumi._

_"Don't think you're beating us that easily!" Oikawa says, grinning down at the players below._

_The three seniors don't reply, merely watch the game with knowing, trusting, ambitious eyes._

Fly, _they will their team, watching their wings splay as Tsukishima jumps up to block the next serve, and it works. The ball hits the tips of his fingers, and falls, helplessly, too close to the net and too unpredictable for the libero to stop it from touching the floor. The blonde smirks as he falls back to the floor. They've won._

_Suga, Daichi and Asahi are hysterical, screaming and shouting and praising their team from above, quickly rushing downstairs to greet them._

_"Asahi-san, Daichi-san, Suga-san! Did you see that? We were so fast - and - and Tsukishima's block - and Yamaguchi's jump-float serve - and then Mieko-chan's serve - and -" Hinata continues describing the important moments of the match, jumping and screaming, cheeks flushed red because of the excitement and the exhaustion._

_Kageyama nods along, adding sound effects of his own, Tsukishima mumbles, "Good match, Tadashi." and Yamaguchi replies with a meek, "Thank you, Tsukki."_

_"I see you've improved a lot in our absence." Daichi says, placing a hand over Yamaguchi's shoulder. He mouths a 'Good job' to him, and the boy looks up at him with adoration. Tsukishima rolls his eyes._

_"Let's go celebrate!" Hinata exclaims._

_"Where?" Asahi asks._

_"Sleepover at Daichi-san's house!" the redhead offers._

_"No!" the older boy says. He straightens up then, and laughs. "Look, once was more than enough, okay? And I'm in college now, so it can't be at my house. Our apartment is literally tiny - Asahi can vouch for it."_

_The taller one nods. They share an apartment, since they go to the same college. Suga goes to a different one - he lives alone._

_"Okay then...what?" One of the second years, Keizo, says._

_"How about ice-skating? There's a rink in the park lake." Yamaguchi suggests. Tsukishima stares daggers at him. He shrugs._

_"Sounds like a great idea! Let's meet there at...seven?" Takeda says. They all nod in agreement._

_"Is it obligatory?" the blonde asks, backing away. Asahi reaches for his arm, pulling him back._

_"You're not going anywhere." he smirks, and Tsukishima knows he is doomed._

_"See you guys there." Ukai says, and Suga knows he isn't looking at him, the words aren't directed at him, but they make that one butterfly in his stomach flutter._

It's an old crush, _he convinces himself._

_\--_

_They said they'd meet at seven, but when seven o'clock rolls around, only Suga and Tsukishima are standing there, gloves on, breathing on their clothed hands and then pressing them to their faces, trying to heat themselves up._

_"Talk about punctual," Tsukishima says, sarcasm laced heavily in his voice. Suga just offers a lopsided smile._

_"Give them some time." he tries convincing the blonde, but doesn't say more. His breath is warm, and doesn't want to waste it. He repositions his earmuffs, and hops on his feet lightly, trying to warm his body, clenching and unclenching his hands._

_Eventually they all arrive, audible from meters away, Hinata's excited squealing and Kageyama yelling, "Dumbass!"_

_They all greet each other, Takeda apologising to them deeply for being late, but Suga brushes it off. Tsukishima does it at the best of his ability, which isn't much. They rent their skates, and then Suga stumbles onto the ice. He hasn't done this in a while, so he's a little clumsy, but he ends up getting the gist of it, and after a while, he's the best of them, spinning and jumping on the ice, skating backwards, inadvertently turning into the star of the rink. He puts on his headphones, just skating along to the music. He feels the ice beneath the skates and the familiar slip. He's used to his feet skidding and then stopping on the court, the squeaking of sneakers on polished gym floors and a sudden halt. But here, here he has to make the blades dig into the ice, and it doesn't squeak, just allows him to skid along its surface with a small whisper of a sound like knives sliding against each other._

_By the time he's done, not a single person is on the rink. They're all watching him with attentive, lit-up eyes at his grace._

_He bows, and the crowd goes wild. They clap and cheer, and Suga feels his cheeks blush red._

_"Wow, Suga-san! I never knew you could do that!" Hinata exclaims, trying to skate over to him and flailing before finding his feet._

_"I learned that a few years ago. Took skating lessons because I felt it was far too cold for volleyball." Suga explains, flustered._

_"I didn't know either." Asahi says, skating over to him along with Daichi._

_"Sorry we're late." Daichi apologises. "The train took longer than we expected."_

_Suga greets them too. They talk for a while, and slowly the skating rink goes back to normal, with people skating around them in circles. Daichi and Asahi take off too, and Suga wonders off to the side of the rink, watching people pass by in circles._

_"Y'know; you could teach me too."_

_Suga turns his head to see Ukai stumbling over to him._

_"I could try." he smiles, leaning against the railing they've placed just for the rink. He welcomes the feeling of stability it offers, in which he's not tensing his muscles to stay upright and not be moved._

_"I am hopeless, just a word of warning." the older man says, with a smile._

_"That's okay, Coach." Suga's smile is bright and warm, the lone butterfly flapping away in his stomach._

_"You don't have to call me 'Coach' anymore - Keishin is good." the blonde states. Suga nods, and puts his hand out in silent invitation. Ukai takes it. Suga leads the way._

_He takes both his hands now, and skates backwards slowly, wobbling slightly with Ukai tripping over himself constantly._

_"Breathe, relax." Suga tells him calmly. "Look at my feet, okay?"_

_"Yeah - yeah, okay." He breathes, and looks down at the boy's feet moving, and tries imitating him._

_Suga notices Daichi and Asahi on one side, smiling and sending each other coy glances. Suga rolls his eyes. Daichi takes his phone out to take a picture of them - and winks at Suga. Luckily, Ukai is looking down at Suga's feet, so he doesn't see anything._

_"Suga - is it alright if I call you that?" Nod. "I think we're going to fall."_

_Suga frowns. "Why?"_

_"Because my left skate is - loose -" The panic in his voice is evident, and Suga tries stopping, but Ukai's still flailing, so it all crashes on them, and they topple over and fall onto the ice. Luckily, it's thick enough to hold their weight. Ukai's beside him, face-up, just like him, on the ice, left skate a few metres away from them. They take a moment to catch their breath. Ukai laughs. Suga does too. They have a laughing fit on the ice, and when they manage to stop they look at each other and start again, laughing maniacally on the ice._

_"Please tell me sooner next time." Suga says after they stop laughing, stupid smile on his face._

_"I'll try." Ukai groans as he tries standing up. Suga gets up faster, and helps him up, taking his skate before guiding him across the rink._

_They all decide unanimously they've had enough skating for today. Hinata tells everyone about how he can't feel his butt because of how much he's fallen over, and, in the end, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are the last ones to leave, skating hand in hand around the rink, as graceful as always when they're together._

_"Thanks for attempting to teach me." Ukai thanks Suga afterwards, when they have to part ways._

_"No problem." he shrugs, putting his hands in his coat pockets. Snow is beginning to fall now, the snowflakes resting on their eyelashes and the tips of their noses and the top of their lips._

_"I'll - uh - see you around next time you drop around, then." Ukai stutters, giving him a half smile._

_Suga is thankful it's so cold outside, so he can hide his blush. "See you around."_

_By the time he gets home, it's two butterflies in his stomach, and the stupid smile from the fall is still on his face._

 

\--

 

Keeps the picture. Passes the page. There's three pictures in the next one. There's one of Suga crouching down to pet a dog, one of Ukai lying in a field of tall grass and another one of a cake with black fondant on it, the kanji for 'Fly' in white fondant. The tiny steel hooks are pulling at him now, too, somewhat stronger as he passes the pages. He jumps off the rails, careful not to slip on the wet grass and fall onto the lake. He crouches when he lands. He walks some more, away from the lake, leaving the memories behind. Suga walks and walks and walks. This next place is far, half an hour on foot. So he runs. It's fifteen minutes at this speed. The wind whistles in his ears, and his body is complaining. _No, you don't have enough energy for this, stop,_ **_stop_ ** _-_

He's made it. He pants and breathes on the border of collapsing, his hands on his knees. The park looks different. It's borderline dead, the grass cut short, the trees naked, the swings empty, only moving because of the wind. Suga sits on one of the swings, looking around himself, recognizing where the pictures were taken. The swing creaks under his weight, and he rocks on it gently, the tips of his feet resting on the ground. To look down at his next picture, he pulls the shirt over his nose, trying to protect most of his face from the biting cold.

Though it's been cleaned, there's still the faintest scent of smoke, of cigarette ash. He takes it in. It hurts. He bears it.

Forgets.

Remembers.

It all blends in.

 

\--

 

**APRIL, 4 YEARS AGO**

 

_At some point in the new year, they get each other's numbers. Ukai says it's so they can arrange matches. Suga doesn't want to believe him. He doesn't. It's not true._

_They don't text, or call each other, though. At least in a regular fashion. Ukai sends him occasional pictures of the team, and Suga texts him every two weeks to let him know when he'll be passing by Karasuno. It's simple, and Suga likes it like this so he can't begin to really_ feel _anything. The two butterflies lie in wait though, just hoping a fleeting emotion or thought will pass Suga's mind before beating wildly, so Suga doesn't think of Ukai at all._

_It started out as a highschool crush, similar to how girls would crush on celebrities that were far too old for them. Suga told Asahi and Daichi about his crush back in the day, and whilst Daichi urged him to tell the man, Asahi insisted he didn't. Suga listened to Asahi. It would have been pointless anyway, he knew Coach would say no. He left school, and got a girlfriend in his first year of college. It didn't work out._

_He isn't dating anyone now, since he hasn't found anyone he wants to be with. He thinks he's over his old crush. He's not._

_\--_

_When he gets to Karasuno, panting and red-faced, Ukai is the one to greet him at the door. "Suga, thank God you're here! I need your help."_

_Suga looks up from where his feet have kicked the sand up when he stopped at the door of the gym, right in front of the stairs. He smiles. "What with?"_

_The dyed blonde scratches the back of his head, and Suga straightens up. "I - uh - I wanted to get the boys something special, y'know? For winning and all. I know it's late, but the present just arrived and I need your help - uh - carrying it."_

_Suga nods, anything for the team. "Sure thing, Coa - Keishin!"_

_They turn and leave in silence. They don't talk, and it's getting very awkward very quickly._

_Ukai breaks the silence. "So...how's school?"_

_Suga laughs crudely, remembering the giant pile of homework on his table. "It's good. Hard, but good."_

_"What were you studying? I'm sorry, I forgot."_

_"It's okay, really. I'm studying photography."_

_They walk in silence for a little longer. Suga tries repressing his thoughts, he doesn't think about it, about him, but -_

_"Can I take a picture of that part of the park? It looks beautiful with the afternoon light."_

_The perfect distraction. The butterflies are bothering him to no end, but he can't help it, so he dashes off and pulls the camera out of the bag in which he always carries it._

_"Y'know, maybe if you crouched in the grass, you could get a shot of the grass that's closer to the camera and the one that's behind it."_

_Suga turns, looking at Ukai with his hands in his pockets. "That is a great idea."_

_Suga crouches, camera in hand, closing one eye to see better, when -_

_A loud 'Oof!' is heard, and grass blows around them._

_"I - uh - leaned forward and - fell -" Ukai explains, but Suga can't hear him over his fit of laughter. He rolls in the grass, clutching his sides, getting his hair full of dirt and grass. He doesn't care._

_"'You just -_ fell _?'" Suga exclaims. "It's hilarious!"_

_"...not." Ukai retaliates poorly, but laughs with him, refusing to stand up._

_Suga doesn't reply, moves onto his side, and parts the tall, yellow grass. The golden light bleeds through the plants onto Ukai's face and his outstretched arms. Just as he turns to smile at Suga, he snaps the picture._

_"Hey! Did you just..." Ukai complains, moving, standing up. But the damage's already been done._

_"You looked good." Suga blurts, immediately realizing what he'd said. He tries tacking it back, backpedalling. "I didn't mean - I -"_

_Ukai smiles, understanding. "I get it."_

_Suga sighs in relief._

_They go back to walking, and it's less awkward. Ukai talks about his mother, the store, volleyball training. Suga talks about college, Daichi and Asahi, missing volleyball._

_They arrive at a bakery. It's nice and quaint, decorated with a pastel ceiling and pastel picture frames and wood walls and floors painted white. The counter is pastel yellow and the display glass is full of tiny pastries and croissants and cream filled chocolate squares. It's mouth watering._

_"Good evening!" The boy at the register says, smiling brightly. His sandy blonde hair is spotted with flour._

_"Special order for Ukai Keishin?" Ukai says. The boy nods in recognition, and disappears behind a pastel pink door._

_"I think I'm going to get something, I'm hungry." Suga whispers to Ukai, and the older nods in agreement, both of them staring at the glass with hungry eyes._

_The boy emerges again, holding a large package of something, wrapped in pretty pastel paper. So much pastel is getting to Suga. Once the boy puts it down on the counter, Suga realises it's rectangular, and maybe half a metre long and fifteen centimetres wide. It's the biggest cake he's ever seen._

_As soon as Ukai pays, Suga asks for something, slamming the money on the counter and pushing it towards the boy so Ukai has no chance to pay. "Two chocolate croissants, please."_

_Ukai gives him the stink-eye as they leave the store, croissant in one hand, cake in the other, balanced on their arm, fingers curling over the edge._

_"You should've let me pay." he grumbles. Suga smiles a smile as bright as ever._

_"Nope. You've earned this croissant."_

_They chew in silence, happy._

_Until Suga does the unthinkable and drops his croissant on the ground._

_He thrusts the cake and his camera into Ukai's arms and dives for his food, trying to make it before the five second rule is finished, but then -_

_a dog comes up to it and swallows it whole._

_On the floor, arm outstretched, Suga looks shocked. His left eye twitches._

_He's about to strangle the dog, when it looks down at him. It's a labrador, and it's chocolate coloured. It's brown eyes stare down at him, begging for more, it's head tilted to the side so it gives Suga a semblance of a lopsided smile, tongue out, and Suga can't resist it. The silver haired boy crouches, and pets the puppy, smiling happily._

_"Keishin, look at this! It's so fluffy!" Suga calls, but then he turns around to face a pretty disgruntled Ukai._

_The cake is balancing itself dangerously between his shoulder and bent leg, and his back is arched so he can hold the camera to take a picture. The chocolate croissant is in his mouth. Oh God. The /chocolate/ croissant._

_Suga turns away from Ukai (which makes the blonde groan loudly) and turns his attention to the dog, turning his collar until he sees a bone shaped charm. He turns it over. It reads ‘_ **_MOCHA_ ** _’ in big letters, and an address beneath it. As soon as he's about to tell Ukai that they should take it back, the boy from the pastry shop runs up to them._

_"You found him!" he exclaims, relieved. Suga shrugs._

_"He ate my croissant."_

_The boy scoops the puppy up into his arms. "You little - running away from me like that, my shift was almost over! Oh well, let's get you in the car." he turns to Suga. "Thank you so much!"_

_"No problem." Suga assures him. "Oh, by the way! I think you should take it to the vet, he ate chocolate..."_

_"Oh no! Well, we're heading there right now! See you! I'll call about her later, okay?"_

_"Yeah, thanks!"_

_When Suga finally pays attention to Ukai, the blonde is about to scream. Suga offers him a small smile._

 

\--

 

He gets up. His trousers are wet. It's okay, he doesn't mind. He can barely feel it anyway. He keeps the picture, passes to the next one. And this one hurts a lot.

It's a picture of an indian restaurant, and two hands in front of it, fingers laced. The restaurant is lit up, but the hands are not, so it contrasts. Suga would cry if he _could_ cry. But he can't, so he doesn't. The walk there is silent. He tries playing music, but every song reminds him of **_him_ ** , so he doesn't. He walks in silence, the occasional car passing by.

Suga takes a detour off the pavement, and walks through some grass. A patch of trees is the only thing standing between him and the next road, where his next destination is. A patch of trees and a bench. Suga walks through the trees, stills. He rests a hand on the top of the bench and then crouches slightly before springing, vaulting himself over the bench, sitting on it when he falls.

He opens the album. His breath catches in his throat.

He remembers.

Forgets.

 

\--

 

**MAY, 4 YEARS AGO**

 

_Suga doesn't know why he does it, how he musters the courage to do it, but he did it -_

_he asked Ukai out for dinner._

It isn't a date _, he thinks, when Ukai accepts with wide eyes. They haven't been_ flirting _exactly - it's just coy looks every now and then, fleeting glances during practice, their shoulders brushing lightly in the gym, all the times Suga 'accidentally' bumps into him..._

_It's a date._

_They agreed it was for discussing Karasuno's progress, to just have a night out between two - friends? Are they friends yet? - colleagues. Which totally doesn't make sense, because at the moment, Suga is worrying way too much about his outfit._

_For starters, nothing in his wardrobe screams 'Classy but casual'. His only classy-ish clothes are a suit, which he doesn't want to wear, and a far too fancy blouse-thing with ruffles in the front his mom got him that he never wears. Not good. His trousers aren't much better - most of his jeans are ripped, too old or too tight. There's this one pair of trousers that he doesn't even know what it's made of - could be leather, or latex, or both. He's not wearing those. After pillaging through his closet, pulling clothes out and flinging them on the bed behind him, he's found something somewhat decent. An old grey t-shirt, and a pair of fairly decent jeans. He combs his hair back, and then parts it down the middle, and then puts it all to one side and then gives up on doing_ anything _to his hair. He settles on his normal look, and just tries combing down that one rebellious strand of hair, because if it doesn't comply,_ he swears to God he will -

_It goes down._

_Suga sighs in relief._

_It sticks back up._

_He groans._

_Gives up._

_He leaves the apartment in a hurry, locking the door behind him hastily, the two butterflies in his stomach beating away. He tries not to run on the way there, because he doesn't want to sweat and ruin his clothes. (He's got a bit of trauma since the last deodorant he bought said it didn't form patches under his armpits when he sweated. It did. Suga doesn't trust deodorant anymore)._

_The train takes far too long and it isn't fast enough. Suga taps his foot on the floor of the train and bounces his knee. He knows it annoys everyone, but he can't find it in himself to care, so he keeps doing it, trying to relieve stress. Doesn't work. He keeps doing it anyway. When he finally gets out of the train, he's gasping, desperate for air, he's choking, he's going to die._

_He makes it out. The pressure on his chest doesn't ease off, but at least now he can breathe. He breathes and breathes and breathes, pants, hand on his chest feeling his racing heart. He doesn't know_ why _he's so nervous, why he feels like there's a coil in his stomach, a knot there that won't leave him alone, but there is one. Suga chalks it up to old feelings. He's not wrong._

_He walks at a quick pace, not too fast, but not slow. He's still got fifteen minutes, what's the rush? He doesn't know._

_He doesn't like saying there's a spring in his step, because that makes him sound overeager, but there /is/ a spring in his step, and it's annoying him to no end, the way he can't seem to even control his own body. He rubs his palms on his jeans - they're getting sweaty. He quickly checks his armpits - okay, no sweat, good._

_He can see the lights on the streets, and he can read the writing on the façade of the restaurant. It's an indian one, and one of Suga's favourites, because if there's one thing he likes, it's spicy food. He hopes Ukai likes it too. And with that one thought, his mind goes into overdrive, worrying away._

What if he doesn't like it? Just because it's my favourite, it doesn't mean it's _his_ favourite...Oh God, what if he hates indian food and he didn't tell me out of kindness? Oh no, he hates it! I know he does, I'm a horrible person, now we'll never get a second date - wait, is this a date? I mean, I think it is...But what if _he_ doesn't think it is? Then what? Now I seem dumb for thinking this is a date, good job dumbass -

_Luckily, someone pulls him out of his thoughts. "Suga! I'm -" pant. "- here."_

_Suga spins as he hears his name, and as soon as he does he sees Ukai running towards him, panting. He walks over to him, crossing the street briskly._

_"Hi! You're early too, I see." Suga laughs, finally relaxing. He exhales, and with it lets everything go._

_"I wanted to be five minutes early, but you beat me."_

_"Oops."_

_Suga stares him up and down discreetly, and likes what he sees. Ukai is dressed formally - a plain t-shirt on, but a suit jacket over that and a pair of jeans. Tight jeans._

_Suga needs a glass of cold water. Or therapy._

_They head into the restaurant, and a girl with a very wide smile greets them. "Welcome! What can I get 'ya?"_

_Suga gulps and laughs nervously. He shouldn't be so nervous, but he is. "Uh - I have a reservation for two? For 'Sugawara Koushi'."_

_She crosses something off a large book on a table and then turns to them. "Follow me, please."_

_Once they're seated, Ukai laughs slightly._

_"What's up?" Suga asks._

_"I thought I overdressed, and it turns out I was right." he says._

_"N - no! You look good..." Suga mutters, turning a thousand different shades of red as he realises what he's just said. He looks away, drinks water. A lot of water. Enough to distract him from the surprised way Ukai's looking at him._

_"Thank you." he smiles easily, a smile meant to ease Suga, help him calm down, but it does just the opposite, and makes him more flustered. "If it helps, you look good too."_

_It doesn't help, but Suga calms his quickly beating heart eventually, and settles down._

_They order, and talk about a plethora of subjects. Contrary to what most people would've thought, Ukai is an interesting man with interesting stories to tell. And Suga listens eagerly, enthralled, enchanted with this man and his voice that sounds deep and dark, like smoke and ash, like midnight sun, like black paint dripping thickly from a wall. It's beautiful._

_Their food comes. Suga orders the spiciest vegetable curry they have, and Ukai orders_ Murgh Mahal _, a dish of chicken in a mildly spicy curry. They laugh over dinner too, especially when Ukai tries Suga's food and chokes, his face going red in a matter of seconds._

 _"I - I need to go to the bathroom -_ spicy _-" He explains, and Suga nods, understanding. Ukai runs for it._

_After five minutes he hasn't come back. Suga starts worrying, but then refrains, thinking up a logical explanation. Toilet problems, maybe. A phone call._

_Ten minutes pass. Suga worries, biting back the urge to bite his nails. He stands up and goes to the girl that attended them earlier._

_"Excuse me? Hi - uh - have you seen the man that came with me?" he asks, shifting his weight from one foot to the other._

_"Oh yeah! He went out the back door." she explains, and Suga panics. Has he bailed on him?_

_He rushes out the back door, only to find Ukai there, staring at the road, cigarette in hand. The dim light above the door flickers, and Ukai turns when he hears the door creak open._

_"Thank God you're here," Suga says, relieved. "I thought you'd bailed on me."_

_Ukai's face falls. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to - I thought I could have a quick smoke and come back before you noticed. I lost track of time."_

_"That's okay." Suga smiles. He stands beside Ukai, the door closing behind them. The night is clear, and the stars shine down on them like rips in the sky, tiny tears through which Heaven's light spills down onto the earth._

_"Can I?" Suga asks, pointing to the cigarette. He doesn't know what brings this sudden urge on. He's never smoked a day in his life, he's never even thought about it - but suddenly, it seems like the only thing he wants to do. He wishes to know the chemical feeling, what it's like to have fire racing through your system, curiosity for what it feels like to have hot tar and smoke down his lungs. Ukai looks surprised, knowing Suga's never smoked, but he doesn't ask. He just hands him a cigarette and lights it, looking somewhat uneasily at him._

_Suga puts it to his lips, and breathes in the smoke._

_It's horrible._

_It's amazing._

_The smoke travels down his throat, burning him, burning his throat, burning his lungs, and it's simultaneously the best and worst thing Suga's ever felt. He feels like coughing, like spitting it all up. He feels like taking more, breathing in the heat._

_He does neither. He throws the lit cigarette on the ground and steps on it, blowing out the smoke gracefully, watching it mingle with Ukai's smoke before disappearing into the night air._

_He's never been one for potentially fatal addictions._

_Ukai says nothing, just gives out a last puff of smoke and stomps out his own cigarette._

_"Mint?" he asks, taking out a box. Suga accepts, popping one in his mouth. Ukai takes one too and they head back inside._

_Dinner ends swiftly after that, and neither of them speak about what just happened. They won't speak about if for a long time. Suga insists on paying for dinner, and though he's a dirt poor college student, he puts the money on the table first, so he pays._

_"Can I walk you back home?" Ukai offers, jacket draped over his arm. "At least to make up for dinner."_

_"Sure." Suga replies. "But we'll have to take the train. Walking there at night isn't - uh - the safest."_

_"No problem."_

_They talk in the train too, Ukai laughing loudly when Suga tells him the story of how Daichi dared him once to put a fake spider in Asahi's coffee, and how the tall boy had jumped and squealed like a choking animal. Daichi and Suga still laugh about it, just to annoy Asahi. Needless to say, Asahi is not amused._

_When they get to Suga's apartment, they stand awkwardly at his door. The shorter boy has his hands behind his back, rocking back and forth on his feet._

_"So - uh - thanks for dinner." Ukai says, refusing to look up, just like Suga._

_"Your welcome. We should do that again sometime." the silver haired boy blushes again, and then laughs nervously. "I mean - if you want to."_

_"Yeah. I'd like that."_

_Suga looks up at the same time Ukai does to, and again, he doesn't know where he musters the courage to do anything, and he leans up and presses his lips to Ukai's cheek, briefly, sweetly, barely a brush of lips on skin. In those nanoseconds, Suga registers a lot of things. The smell of expensive perfume. The smell of smoke. The smell of cheap shampoo. The slight blush on Ukai's cheeks. The tiny, tiny, imperceptible mole under his ear._

_He pulls back and without saying goodbye, gets into his apartment and slams the door._

_A mix of mortifying embarrassment and satisfaction makes the two butterflies in Suga's stomach turn into three._

 

_\--_

 

He keeps the picture, but doesn’t pass the page. He knows what’s up next, he knows he might cry. Before setting off, he eats the sandwich Daichi packed for him earlier. Suga doesn’t even register the taste - all he knows is that it’s the first thing he’s eaten in days, and it’s filling. It makes the acid taste in his mouth and throat dull slightly. He rests for a few minutes before setting off again.

This next park is farther away, so he runs again. It burns, and he can feel his body complaining, his muscles begging him to stop, but he keeps going. He’s dealing with so much emotional pain that the physical one is a tickle, a light feeling he can brush off, so he pushes and pushes and pushes and when he thinks he can’t anymore he pushes that extra bit more.

His lungs are heaving and burning from exhaustion, but he keeps at it. He turns sharply. Ahead, between two run down buildings, there’s a trashcan blocking the way. Suga doesn’t even flinch - he just jumps, his feet clanging against the top, pushing it back, and then there’s a loud, resounding crash as the trashcan hits the floor. He keeps running, darting between buildings until he reaches the park gates.

They’re open - he slides in unnoticed. He slows a bit, but keeps a fast pace. Walking, it would’ve taken him forty-five minutes; at this pace, it’s taken him fifteen. He knows where he needs to go - the field, the one where artificial stars of light and colour burst before their eyes, the one where he tasted smoke.

He reaches it, and it’s like he remembered it but not quite. Now the grass is frosted over, and the trees are naked. It’s like he’s staring into a parallel universe, one in which everything is the same except for a slight difference. It’s unsettling.

The next image is two persons kissing, and he knows it’s them, and when he holds the picture he has to steel his nerves so the picture doesn’t fall out of his hands, for the wind is blowing so hard it would surely carry it away. He doesn’t recall everything to mind, the pain blocking some details out, especially for that memory in particular. It’s a bliss maybe, something he’s thankful for. All he remembers is what hurts the most, so maybe if everything else doesn’t hurt, it’s not that bad.

He remembers.

Forgets.

 

\--

 

**JUNE, 4 YEARS AGO**

 

_They’ve been having dinner together more often. After a while, both of them come to terms with the fact that these are dates. They often change restaurants, but eventually, they always come back to the same one._

_The smoking incident doesn’t repeat itself. They don’t talk about it._

_But what Suga does talk about is Ukai, and he talks about it with Daichi and Asahi._

_Mostly Daichi though._

_“So you’re seeing each other now, huh?” Daichi asks._

_“I guess? I don’t know, we’re not like...a thing, we just go on dates every now and then.” Suga explains, smiling at him. Skype was how they spoke more often than not, since Daichi’s phone hasn’t been working recently._

_“You’re not official then.”_

_“No.”_

_Daichi hesitates for a minute. “I still find it kinda weird, Suga.”_

_“Why?” Suga raises his eyebrows. Daichi fidgets, reaches a hand to scratch his shoulder._

_“‘Cause it’s weird! You’re technically dating our high school coach. That’s weird, Suga.”_

_“But we’re not_ in _high school. I’m more mature.” Suga doesn’t understand his best friend’s point of view._

 _“You’re so mature you’re not over your crush from_ two years ago. _” Daichi looks smug._

_“That’s true!” Asahi yells, coming into frame. He just got out of the shower, evidently, and his hair is under his shoulders, water dripping onto his shirt. Suga gets frustrated._

_“You’re not even in this conversation!” Suga exclaims._

_“But I know about it!” Asahi yells back, and then turns on the sink behind Daichi._

_“Look guys, it’s not that weird.” the silver haired boy says, rolling his eyes. “We just go on occasional dates, it’s nothing special.”_

_“Yeah...right.” Daichi says just as Asahi sits beside him, pulling up a chair._

_“Look, I just wanna be happy.”_

_At that moment, Suga gets a text from Ukai. It wasn’t anything special - a ‘good morning’ text - but it makes Suga smile anyway._

_“We can tell.” Asahi says good heartedly._

_“I have to go to class now, guys.” Suga rushes, waving and not giving his friends any time to say goodbye before slamming his laptop shut._

_He sighs, and lies down on the bed, picking up his phone to text Ukai back._

_\--_

_He decides he’s celebrating his birthday with what used to be his old team - all the first years, Daichi, Asahi, Kiyoko, and all the second years. His family can’t go, since they’re on holiday, so it’s just them. He invites Ukai and Takeda too._

_It’s in his favourite park, in the field that overlooks the whole city. Noya and Hinata insist on fireworks, and Kiyoko and Yachi bake the cake._

_He arrives at five o’clock, and there’s already some people there. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi sit together, on their phones, and Kageyama is there too._

_Suga drops the food basket on the ground and lies down, waiting for everyone else to come._

_“Happy birthday, Sugawara-senpai!” Yamaguchi greets. Suga’s given up on the ‘senpai’ part._

_“Thank you Yamaguchi.” Suga smiles._

_They all wish him a happy birthday, and Suga’s so grateful._

_The rest of the team arrives shortly, Hinata and Noya’s yelling warning everyone in the area._

_“Suga! Happy birthday!” Noya and Hinata exclaim at the same time. Suga stands up just in time as they jump at him, throwing him to the ground good heartedly. Suga laughs and hugs them too._

_“Thank you, guys.”_

_They stand up and see Ukai and the rest of the team carrying the drinks and presents. Suga hugs and thanks all of them, helping Takeda stack up the presents neatly in one corner. They watch the sunset, pulling out the food and drinks and sitting neatly on the grass. (Ennoshita does_ **_not_ ** _scold Tanaka for spilling soda on the ground)._

_Suga trusts Daichi with his camera to take pictures of everything that happens, or anything important. He trusts Asahi and Kiyoko to set up the fireworks and keep an eye on Tanaka, Noya and Hinata._

_“The sunset’s beautiful.” Ukai says, sitting beside Suga. The younger looks up at him, and then turns to the sky._

_“I like the colours.” says Suga. “The orange and purple and pink. It makes for a nice picture. It almost looks like it’s out of a painting...like I could touch it…” he reaches a hand up, stretches his fingers and curls them._

_“I’ve always been jealous of birds.” Ukai says, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and blowing smoke up into the air. “I wonder how they see the sunset.”_

_“Maybe they don’t bother - they’re used to it already.” Suga says._

_“Maybe.”_

_The sun’s last rays tint the sky in pale shades of blushing pink and pastel orange, spreading out into the night sky, the last tendrils of light the sun releases before disappearing before the horizon, plunging the world into darkness._

_They wait until the sun is set before Yachi takes out the cake - vanilla with chocolate icing - and they light the candles._

_Suga is kind of awkward when they sing the birthday song - he doesn’t know where to look. The sky, the ground, the cake, their faces, straight ahead…_

_He blows out the candles, and he smiles when they clap and cheer. Takeda gets icing all over his face, and Asahi does too, shying away when Daichi swirls it with his finger, licking it off. Suga is sure they’re going out._

_When they finish the cake (there’s literally nothing left, just crumbs) they get ready for the fireworks show._

_“How do you feel?” Ukai asks him as they sit and wait. Tsukishima yells something at Hinata - ‘That is_ not _how fireworks work! Here, just let me do this.’_

_“How do I feel about what?” Suga’s careful with what he says. He can feel their shoulders touching, their hands inching closer. He’s hyperaware of how close they are to each other, how their noses would touch if they turned their heads to the side now, the faint smell of cheap shampoo and smoke that envelops Ukai._

_“Being one year older.” says Ukai. Suga shifts his weight into him ever so slightly, presses their bodies together the slightest bit, letting their legs touch too._

_“I don’t feel different, not really. A whole new year of my life ahead of me.” Suga’s relieved Ukai hasn’t inched away, hasn’t commented on the new centimetres of their skin that are in contact._

_Ukai laughs. “I like your optimism.”_

_“Should I take that as a compliment?” Suga laughs back._

_“Yeah.”_

_He looks behind them, and sees Daichi smirking at him alongside Asahi, making hearts with their hands. Suga glares, but it doesn’t do much._

_Eventually they manage to start the firecrackers up. The whole team sits on the grass and turn their eyes to the sky. The first one whistles and squeals before silencing for a few seconds. It explodes in bright orange sparks and the sound of crackling thunder, lighting the park up as they rain down safely. The next do the same, whistling before exploding in a shower of light and colour. Suga’s amazed._

_“They’re beautiful.” Suga whispers in amazement, wide eyes drinking in the sight of brightly coloured bits of flame bursting in the night sky._

_Suga has that feeling you get when someone’s staring at you, that tingling at the bottom of your spine when your hair at the back of your neck stands up and you feel a presence around, a cold shiver._

_When he turns his head to the side, Ukai’s looking at him with fixed eyes, mesmerized. Suga’s never blushed this many times around one person so many times in his life, but now it’s almost unavoidable, with the look Ukai is giving him, like he’s some sort of miracle. He doesn’t shrink away._

_“Keishin -”_

_It comes out like a whisper, a whisper of amazement, one that promises more. His name comes out like a prayer. “Suga.”_

_And just like that, they lean into each other until their lips are touching._

_It’s an explosion of its own, one that fills Suga with life. He tastes like smoke, like sweet ashes, like fresh mint. Suga feels a flash of light and he turns to look at Daichi holding the camera up, an apologetic look on his face. Suga laughs and turns to Ukai once more, looking up into his eyes again before tasting it once more, the darkness that encircles him and entraps him, that lights him up inside._

_When they pull away, Suga can vaguely feel the staring eyes from everyone on the team, the soft snorting from Daichi and Asahi behind them. But what he really feels is Ukai’s hand on his neck, cupping his cheek lightly, smiling down at him._

 

_\--_

Suga feels it weighing him down, in this moment. He forgot it was there, and now that the pictures are getting happier and the night is growing colder, he remembers it, in his pocket. His jeans are old, they haven’t been washed in weeks. He hasn’t seen them in weeks, let alone worn them. He forgot it was there.

He pulls out the packet of cigarettes. It’s crushed, but the cigarettes are intact. Suga’s first instinct is to throw them away, or put them back, just to put them out of his sight.

But the memories the small cardboard box holds are too great to keep it. He pulls out a butt, rolls it between his fingers. He’s never smoked one since he was given the box, but now it seems appealing -

No.

It would be a letdown, a betrayal, the biggest disappointment.

He checks the time. 3 AM. Four hours. There’s only a few more pictures - it really isn’t a big album. Though Suga is a photographer, _he_ was never one for pictures.

The next picture though, is of _him._

Suga gets up, and walks.

It’s like he’s on auto-mode, like he’s not there, consciously. His mind is off, somewhere else, dreaming of better days. His body moves on its own, walking through the dark, winding streets of Sendai.

The streets now become familiar, the road as dark as the sky if it weren’t for the lampposts lining the sides, offering a bit of vision, the puddles on the road making the reflection gleam. The valley on either side is silent too, the wind whistling between the trees.

The store is just ahead.

It’s closed. It’s been closed for over a month now.

Suga sits on the porch, legs crossed, and pulls out the next picture, the one with Ukai working the cash register, a ray of morning sun caught in the polaroid. He holds it in his hands and closes his eyes.

 

\--

 

**JULY, 4 YEARS AGO**

 

_“Good morning,” Suga says, entering the store. Ukai looks up from the magazine he’s reading, a cigarette in his mouth._

_“Good morn - why are you here?” Ukai replies with a frown._

_Suga mock-pouts, walking up to him. “What, not happy to see your boyfriend?”_

_Ukai stands properly and looks down at Suga, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “No; not happy to see you out of class.”_

_“Relax,” Suga murmurs. “My morning session has been cancelled.” the younger hooks his fingers in the loops of Ukai’s jeans and pulls him closer, smirking before pressing their lips together once._

_“You’re too cocky.” Ukai remarks, but Suga can see the corner of his mouth lifting._

_“And you’re too serious.” Suga says._

_Ukai pulls away and goes to tend to the cash register. The early morning light shines on him in dark golden beams across his face, softening all his angles. It’s mesmerising, the way he’s rejuvenated by the Sun, with his hair down and the smoke swirling around his head like a grey halo. Suga takes up the camera hanging from his neck and snaps a picture, laughing when Ukai turns to him as soon as he hears the familiar snapping of the camera shutter._

_“Oi!” he grunts, and lurches forward to grab the camera in Suga’s hands, but the younger is faster._

_“Can’t catch me, old man!” Suga sing-songs and dances out of the way, making Ukai pull up his sleeves and grin._

_“You’re on.”_

_They chase each other through the store, knocking down a few cans, but they ignore it, the thrill of the chase a lot more exciting._

_Ukai does catch up though, and he grabs at Suga’s shirt, who tries to pull away by turning around and twisting his body, but he can’t get away fast enough, and somehow they end up sprawled on the floor, with Ukai landing on top of him. They also manage to bring down a box of snacks that now lie on the floor._

_“You’re horrible.” Ukai says teasingly, and Suga kicks him softly._

_“You like it.” Suga says mischievously, sticking out his tongue._

_Ukai doesn’t reply, he just shakes his head and sighs before kissing him. They kiss slowly at first, timidly, like they’re too afraid to do much else, before Suga’s hands trail up from Ukai’s sides to his hair, pulling him closer even, their mouths slotting together like pieces of a puzzle meant to fit. Suga lets out a soft whimper, and Ukai smirks against his lips, pinching Suga’s side to make him squeal before kissing him again._

_The bell above the door rings and they both spring away from each other and stand up, faces flushed and lips wet, their hair a mess and their eyes like a deer caught in headlights._

_It’s Daichi and Asahi, whose eyes are just as wide before a fit of giggles breaks out through the two. They start laughing hysterically as Suga and Ukai blush red completely._

_“You should’ve seen their faces…!” Daichi grits out as he wipes away the tears._

_Suga makes sure to hit them both upside the head before they all leave._

_Ukai swears he’s too old for this._

 

**\--**

 

Suga doesn’t want to get up as he looks behind himself into the store, the register and shelves dusty and abandoned. Every second Suga spends looking inside is a little bit more that his heart breaks, but he can’t help it. His eyes tear up and get glassy but he doesn’t wipe them away.

His ghost seemingly haunts him everywhere he goes, his scent still somewhat present even though it has been months. Suga is sure that this is all a product of his imagination mingled with the side effects of his grief, but he swears that if he squints, he can see the fingerprints in the dust, as if the particles had not quite gotten there yet.

His hand presses against the cool glass, but it is all he can allow himself to do.

Painfully, he tears his eyes away.

His next stop is far away, but he does intend on getting there. His legs are tired, but his mind is somewhat focused.

 

The pub is closed now, and it has been for a while, in fact, even before the day Suga’s entire life plan vanished before his eyes. The only picture Suga has is a blurry one in which his arm is over Ukai’s and their cheeks are red because of alcohol. Suga remembers this day so clearly he can almost hear the music in his head right now, see the brightly coloured lights that filled his vision as he fades into the memory…

 

\--

 

**SEPTEMBER, 4 YEARS AGO**

 

_After the sweet, heavy heat of summer comes the cooling whirlwind of September. Though he did do an extra photography course over the summer, this is Suga’s last year in college. And his first year in college with a boyfriend._

_The stress remains the same as any year - the first one it was the anxiety of new beginnings, the second one was the worry of keeping up the high grades and this one is the pressure of graduating and finding a job._

_“Don’t worry,” Ukai says, rubbing circles into Suga’s shoulder blades with his thumbs. “You’ll do well this year, I know it.”_

_“But what if -” Suga tries protesting._

_“Nope.” Ukai murmurs. “Relax, you’ll do just fine.” he presses a reassuring kiss to Suga’s neck._

_“I need a break.” Suga mumbles. “I’m stressed about being stressed.”_

_“I’ll take you out on Friday night, promise.” Ukai whispers into the skin of Suga’s neck, then inhales deeply. “It’d do you some good.”_

_Suga sighs and closes his eyes, leaning his head back on Ukai’s shoulder as they sit in silence on Suga’s bed. “Just one week…”_

 

_\--_

 

_Friday comes, eventually. Suga dumps his bag on the floor and begins the long, arduous process of getting ready - showering, getting dressed, trying to decide what to wear, what perfume to use. He goes for a simple grey dress shirt and the pants that he doesn’t what they’re made of. He’s going to start calling them mystery pants._

_Ukai knocks at his door at nine, just as Suga’s busy biting his nails._

_“What are you so nervous about?” Ukai asks, frowning._

_“It’s our first night out together, and -” Suga is shocked at his own blatant honesty, but he can’t do much about it. His cheeks flush red, and Ukai sighs, taking hold of Suga’s wrist._

_“Relax kid, we’ll be fine.” He offers Suga a lopsided smile, and Suga feels his heart flutter in his chest._

_Suga nods, grabs his things and closes the door shut behind him._

_They walk down the street hand in hand, and they speak of their lives, how they’ve been these days, what they’ll do tomorrow. It’s comfortable and welcoming, a small moment of intimacy Suga doesn’t want to give away._

_They can hear the music from the club before they see it, a dull, muffled beat._

_Suga pulls out his phone and takes a picture of the club, wanting to immortalize it._

_When they walk in, their hearing is immediately assaulted by the far too loud music playing, its messy, repetitive rhythm paining their ears._

_“I’ll go get us something to drink,” Ukai practically yells, and Suga nods. He’s standing awkwardly on one side of the dance floor, watching other people go at it pretty much aimlessly._

_A guy approaches him, a tall man the same age as Suga, with bright red hair and freckles dotting his cheeks._ He’s cute, _Suga thinks inwardly. He’s not from Japan, a foreigner._

_“Care to dance?” The man leans down and murmurs in his ear. Suga pulls away, walking back._

_“No thanks, I’m not much of a dancer.” he offers, smiling sheepishly, hoping that’ll drive him away. It doesn’t._

_“C’mon babe...It’s just one dance.” His Japanese is barely passable, but even then, Suga understands, and he puts a hand out and pushes against the man’s chest, wishing he’ll get the gist of it now._

_“No.”_

_The guy is persistent though, closing in on Suga as if he were an animal hunting down his prey._

_Suddenly, an arm wraps around Suga from behind, and the familiar scent of perfume and smoke surrounds him, making him feel safe. Ukai places a drink in his hand, and then presses his lips to his cheek. “Is something bothering you?” he asks, staring daggers at the guy._

_“No...nothing at all.” Suga smirks, watching the guy turn on his heel and leave._

_After they’ve downed their drinks, they move onto the dance floor, pushed by the small amount of alcohol in their bodies._

_At first, it’s messy and consists of more fumbling around than actual dancing - until they play that one song Suga knows._

_Suga presses his body against Ukai’s front, reaches his arms back to wrap around his neck, and rolls his hips, cocking his neck to the side to let Ukai mouth at it as his hands travel Suga’s sides and grip at his hips. Suga can feel sweat run down his body, and through these strange pants, he can feel Ukai hardening behind him._

_And God, it’s a turn on._

_Once the song ends, their foreheads are pressed to each other’s, staring into their eyes with a look that says it all._

_When they stumble back to Suga’s apartment, neither of them know who put who’s hands on the other first._

_That night, Suga rides Ukai into the mattress. It’s his first time, and Ukai feels special, honoured to be trusted with such a special moment. They’re not drunk, and they know what they’re doing when Ukai whispers, “You sure?” and Suga replies, “Do it.”_

_It’s not rough fucking, but it’s not making love either, it’s a special moment caught in between. Ukai worships Suga’s delicate body, presses rough words of affection into the crook of his neck, adores his hips with his calloused hands. He traces the lines on Suga’s palm with his tongue, carves a rough promise of future love on his body with his lips. Suga worships in the language of high pitched moans and whimpers and constant callings of his name like a mantra._

_They both commit this moment to memory, never wanting to forget it._

_“You’re amazing,” Ukai whispers, breathing in the scent of sweat and perfume and the faint alcohol on his body. Suga rocks his hips down and throws his head back, letting out a breathy moan at the feelings assaulting his body, at the pleasure and the praise. His body moves of its own accord, timing his hips with the snapping of Ukai’s hips upwards, his blonde hair tangling in Suga’s fingers. The mattress creaks beneath them, and moonlight filters in through the curtains, lighting up Suga’s body at different angles, making his hair glow - to Ukai, he is the most beautiful person in the world._

_“Keishin,” Suga breathes, closing his eyes. “Keishin, touch me - I need -”_

_And Ukai gives him that and more, giving him everything he could ever need. The blood in their veins is not blood any longer - it’s something else, deeper, stronger, darker - it’s fire._

_“Koushi, Koushi love, I’m -” Ukai warns, but Suga speeds his hips up, nodding words of_ ‘yes’ _and_ ‘please’ _and_ ‘more’ _and -_

_Suga’s fingers tingle when he reaches for Ukai’s face under the sheets. They’ve calmed down, their breathing reduced to a slight panting, their hearts no longer bearing the feeling of wanting to escape their chests._

_“That was amazing.” Suga mumbles. Ukai looks softer, almost ethereal. He sits up and pulls out a cigarette. In one hand he holds it, and he holds Suga’s hand with the other._

_“Thank you.” Ukai says hoarsely. Suga leans up on one elbow and frowns._

_“What for?”_

_Ukai smiles fondly. “Trusting me.”_

_It’s not a love confession - not yet. For now though, it’s more than enough, and as Ukai licks the smoke and mint into Suga’s mouth with a last, tender kiss, the younger feels his heart speed up._

_When they wake up, they both know something’s shifted between them, but it’s a good feeling, an ever-growing happiness that blossoms from their hearts and blooms between them._

 

_\--_

 

Suga feels the first tear roll down his face. It’s hot, and wet, and the water left on his cheek makes his skin freeze when the cold winter breeze begins blowing. He doesn’t have time for heartbreak nor pity, he’s already cried enough, but the tears just won’t stop coming.

Suga wipes them away, but it’s not enough. It never is. He breaks down completely for the millionth time, just sinks to his knees in the middle of the street and sobs into his hands, not caring for passers by. There are none, anyway. It’s too late at night for anyone to be out. It’s four in the morning, nobody wants to be here.

Only the stars listen to his wails, the dark of the night the cold blanket that envelops and comforts him, moonlight hiding behind the clouds to allow him a moment of solitude.


End file.
